


The Nights I Hold You Close

by silentexplorer18



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Accidental Cuddling, But the nightmares and flashbacks aren't heavily depicted, Comfort, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Feitan being surprisingly adorable, Flashbacks, Fluff, Nightmares, Running on no sleep, Sharing a Bed, Stress Relief, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29915385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentexplorer18/pseuds/silentexplorer18
Summary: As painful memories from your past are brought to the forefront of your mind, you have difficulties sleeping. Feitan notices and provides a surprising amount of support.
Relationships: Feitan (Hunter X Hunter)/Reader, Feitan (Hunter X Hunter)/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	The Nights I Hold You Close

**Author's Note:**

> I was going through my old drafts and found a few I hadn't posted. I really liked this one, so here it is. Hopefully it brings everyone some joy!

Night watch was almost always boring, which was never a good thing. However, lately two things in particular were making it worse. First, your latest mission with the Troupe—the mission you were currently guarding the hideout for—had stirred some deeply unpleasant memories from the forgotten abyss of your psyche, resulting in flashbacks and other horrors you would rather have avoided. Secondly, Feitan, your closest friend and constant night watch partner, had figured out something was off.

In all honesty, you should have expected it. The lack of sleep, the memories that would flood your brain at random times, the emotional overwhelm in your gut that put your whole body on edge, it was all evident in your—still remarkably subtle—body language. Something was off.

The rest of the Troupe hadn’t realized anything was amiss yet, but that wasn’t particularly surprising either. They didn’t know you as well as Feitan did. How that came to be was partially a mystery. When you’d been accepted into the Troupe, natural ability had placed your skills on par with Feitan. Whenever possible, the two of you gravitated toward partnering up. Eventually, when the group parted for individual pursuits, Feitan had contacted you, asking for backup on a mission. You’d been working together off and on ever since.

It was only natural that he’d notice the subtle change in your demeanor and body language. But that didn’t mean you had to  _ like  _ it. Or  _ want  _ it to happen, for that matter.

Your only saving grace was that he hadn’t figured out  _ exactly  _ what was bothering you. However, with the quiet, exhausting nights watching for enemies that would never come, it was only a matter of time before he figured it out. Or asked.

If he asked you directly, you wouldn’t lie. You trusted him, and, although he would never say it, he trusted you to some degree as well. You wouldn’t dare put that trust in jeopardy.

But that didn’t mean the glances he kept giving you weren’t unnerving. It didn’t mean you _wanted_ to tell him the truth, even though you would.

He’d been staying closer than normal. Usually, even when alone on guard duty, he put some space between the two of you, settling for an upper position while you sat in the middle, staring down the hallway. However, lately he’d been right by your side.

“You quiet tonight,” he said, breaking the silence.

Maybe that was part of why he was figuring things out. You were so tired. The exhaustion had been building for days. The lack of sleep made it more difficult to handle the flashbacks during the day, but sleeping was somehow so much worse.

It was like you were falling and burning all at once. But that’s what you were doing now. It was dark, but oh, so light, nearly blinding behind your eyes. It throbbed against your chest in harsh pulses. A fire? A flame? Your heart? The sun? Yet you were still falling, and your body braced for an impact that would never come. It hurt to breathe, but it  _ didn’t _ . The screaming was loud but the room was silent. Feitan was silent. Everything was silent.

Your eyes blinked back into focus, seeing again a vision of your friend who was now staring back at you. His eyes were wide, face watching with a surprisingly visible amount of concern. You breathed out through your nose, releasing a breath you hadn’t noticed you were holding.

“Where you go?” he asked gently, watching your vision completely focus in on him again.

You cleared your throat, shifting uncomfortably. You hated when it happened in front of other people, especially him. Usually nobody noticed under the cover of darkness, but he was just so damn attentive. “Somewhere I don’t want to be.”

The two of you sat in silence for a few moments. Your hands moved to work the dirt out from under your nails. It was a welcome distraction from your mind.

“I go there too.”

You bit your lip, trying not to look as surprised as you felt. Fei was always one to shy away from emotions rather than bring them up. “How do you make it stop?”

His eyes filled with amusement as he looked at you over his bandana. “If I know, I not go anymore.”

You chuckled. “Fair point.”

Neither of you moved as Uvogin and Nobunaga came down the hall. “Ready to tap out?” Uvo asked with a grin. He was far too excitable for the middle of the night. Nobunaga looked much less jovial.

“Are you sure neither of you want to sleep?” you asked. “I can stay for an extra shift.”

They both shook their heads. “We’ll be fine. Besides, there’s not much else to do around here.”

“Well then,” you hopped up, stretching slightly. “Have fun.”

“Yeah,” Nobu nodded, scratching his chin. “Right.”

You headed down the hallway, the moonlight illuminating your path. Feitan followed alongside you, silent as always. His room came first. Regardless, you wouldn’t be going to your room anyway. The nights were awful when your headspace was unpleasant, so you’d been spending much of the night perched on the windowsill at the end of the hall. There was a pond out that way. In the mornings, you could see ducks. It was peaceful.

When Feitan dropped away from you, you reached above your head, stretching out as you continued down the hallway. Your muscles ached; there was nothing to do but train or play games while waiting for Chrollo’s next set of instructions. Sitting and waiting all day was almost as uncomfortable.

You tucked into the corner of the window, gaze trailing the horizon. The trees rustled in the breeze, water rippling gently. The world was so much more beautiful than you’d ever give it credit for. Despite all the atrocities humans created, nature seemed to make small paradises. If only people like you didn’t exist to tarnish them.

A voice to your right startled you, Feitan staring intently from the shadows. “You not sleep?”

You tried to get by with a shrug. “Don’t feel like it.”

“Why?” He knew the answer, but he wanted you to say it. He had a way of prodding things out of you; he  _ was  _ a master interrogator, after all.

You worked the dirt out from under your nails again, grateful for a way to avoid looking at him. “It’s hard to sleep,” you conceded. “Bad dreams.”

“What you dream about?”

He watched as you hesitated, memories threatening to cascade across your vision again. He didn’t want that to happen; he wanted you to feel better. Although he enjoyed working with Phinks, you were his favorite teammate. He didn’t want you to  _ truly  _ suffer.

“Come with me.” He turned, looking back over his shoulder. “We talk in private.”

You hadn’t intended to follow, but before you completely realized what you were doing, Feitan was ushering you into his makeshift room.

A mat was placed on the floor, blanket folded neatly on top of a pillow. Undoubtedly, all of it was stolen. Like the rest of the Troupe, he only brought what he could carry on his person. Everyone traveled light.

He pointed to the mat expectantly, and you sat on the edge of it. He settled beside you, gaze gentle but expectant. “You not tell me what you dream about?”

You bit your lip. Although you trusted Feitan, your dreams were intense, almost too much to verbalize.

He nodded, your silence the answer he needed. Then he frowned, appearing to be deep in thought before turning back to you. “You no need to. But tell why dreams bother you.”

Why they bothered you? “I… I wake feeling frightened and…” you searched for the right word, tongue swiping across your lip as you avoided his gaze. “Alone.”

“You sleep here tonight?” he offered. To anyone else, he would’ve sounded nonchalant and uncaring, but the fact that he  _ offered  _ was jarringly compassionate in and of itself. He stood, walking away from the mat towards the other side of the room. It wasn’t large, but there was enough to create a sizable distance between the two of you.

But it was too much, too nice of him. You were a  _ Hunter _ . You were a  _ Spider _ . You should have been able to handle something as trivial—and common to both of those professions—as  _ nightmares _ . “I couldn’t impose,” you said, already moving to stand up. Your room was just down the hall. “It would be a hindrance to you.” If you ran, you could probably beat him down the hall, though not into your room. “It wouldn’t be right—”

His expression stopped you in your tracks. “We are team. You need sleep. I think you feel better not so alone.” The look in his eyes was one of challenge, no,  _ determination _ . He  _ wanted  _ you to stay. Then his lips upturned, eyes lighting with mischief. “Better for Spiders, too. You no work well when tired. Too cranky.”

You scoffed in indignation, eyes only slightly teasing. “Fine, then. Maybe I  _ will  _ stay, let  _ your  _ sleep suffer on purpose.”

He nodded, satisfied, and you inwardly grumbled. He’d only pushed your buttons to get you to stay. It seemed fitting his Nen didn’t lend well to manipulation; his personality could handle that all on its own.

“You change?” he asked, hiding how much your glowering amused him behind his bandana.

Oh. You hadn’t thought about that. You didn’t have a blanket, so you’d been sleeping in all your clothes. But Feitan had stolen something thick and fluffy to use as a blanket. You’d probably be too warm as you were. Your jacket would be too much. Even your overshirt might be too warm with your long pants on.

“Yes, if that’s okay with you.”

He turned without a word, back toward you. He trusted you completely. The realization was almost enough to make you dizzy. Quickly, you removed your overshirt and jacket, leaving you in an undershirt. It was modest, but still the most unkempt he’d seen you yet.

“I’m done.”

He turned as you snuggled under the blanket on one half of the mat, resting on your side. Slowly, he slid down the wall, sitting on a stone. His head leaned back against the cement, eyes closed, breathing already evening out. But you wouldn’t allow that.

“What are you doing?”

“Sleep. What you need to do, too.”

“Then why aren’t you getting into bed?”

He peeked an eye open at that. When your gaze remained unwavering, he shook his head. No.

“If you don’t want to, I’m going,” you said, already shifting to stand up. “I’m not stealing your bed from you, Feitan.”

Sighing, he stood, undressing. You froze, watching as he moved methodically. When his chest and shoulders were bare, clad in nothing but a pair of pants, he settled in beside you. “You too stubborn.”

You grinned. “Yet somehow you still like me anyway.”

“Miracle can happen.”

His hands rested across his stomach, lying on his back. On your side, you admired him for a moment. Feitan was easily the most skilled person you’d ever met. But it was more than that. Whatever tentative friendship the pair of you had formed made your heart light. With him, you felt seen and understood in a way you seldom were. Even when he didn’t know exactly what to do, he still managed to do it. Closing your eyes, you gave him a reprieve, succumbing to the cumulative fatigue a few minutes later.

* * *

You woke warm, the sun just beginning to filter through the grime-coated windows. It took a moment for you to realize it wasn’t your room, and you could have laughed. Of course Feitan would find the only room in a deteriorating building that had fully intact windows. He was acutely aware of personal safety.

Feitan.

Eyes widening, you realized whose chest you were lying across. His arms were above his head, not touching you. Sneaking a glance, you saw his eyes were closed against the morning light, resting but not asleep.

He must have been acutely aware of your position on his body.

Someone as skilled as he was in combat wouldn’t have completely slept, especially not with a body squirming on his torso.

You shifted away, a bolt of nervousness echoing through your chest when his eyes peeked open.

“Sorry,” you whispered, feeling the tone adequate so early in the morning. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

He smirked, and the expression in such close proximity made your heart leap. “I not mind. You no move too much.”

But it was enough. Anything within a few meters would have been enough.

“I didn’t want your sleep to suffer for mine.”

He dropped the arm farthest from you, brows furrowing into that trademark frown and fingers smoothing over the edge of the blanket. “You sleep better than alone?”

He always found a way to the core of the issue, deflecting your thoughts back on yourself. But it was true, he  _ had  _ helped like he predicted. “Yes. It was much better than before. Thank you for that. I was so tired.”

He nodded, hair pointing wildly across the pillow. The soft smile on his face, barely there, was enough to tell you he wasn’t upset about the lost sleep.

But still… “I’m sorry I made your sleeping worse, though. I can leave, if you want. Take an extra shift. That’ll give you some time to rest properly.”

His hand caught you, pulling you back into his chest before firmly wrapping around your side. “Stay longer. We get more rest.”

You froze for a moment before nodding against his shoulder, knowing better than to argue against his sharp tongue. After a few moments, you snuggled closer, nerves and adrenaline falling away to peaceful fatigue yet again. You barely heard him ask his next question, but you heard it nonetheless. “Come again tomorrow?”

Your arm slipped around his chest, fingers gently wrapping around his side. “I’d like that.”

So that’s exactly what you did.

But things didn’t go exactly to plan, whatever the plan was. Because it was hot. Too hot. Though it wasn’t your body. Oh, _no_. It was the fire. The sun. The world was plummeting, and you could hear the screaming. It was too much. You would have ran, but your legs couldn’t find the will to move. Maybe it was the burning. The searing pain in your chest was back. Was it your heart, or something else? It was hard to tell, impossibly hard to know. And yet the screaming continued. That was even worse than the burning, the darkness. It was all too much, but you _had_ to fight back. You just had to. Something had to be done. But your body was falling, and all you could do was brace for impact—

The air was cool against your skin. That was the first thing you noticed when you opened your eyes. It was cool, and goosebumps prickled across your arms. That’s because it was dark; there was no sun.

The second thing you realized was that you were crying. You could only tell because Feitan—who you guiltily realized was already awake and watching you—was blurry.

You sat up, trembling from the adrenaline and the cold. He must have taken the blanket off you when you’d begun to panic. The world was eerily quiet except for your sniffles, ones you attempted to muffle as your eyes watered. It was all too much.

“I’m sorry,” you began, disappointed you’d ruined his sleep two nights in a row. You’d never wanted to burden him more when complying with his wishes. But he interrupted you with a swift raise of his hand.

No. He was telling you no. You shouldn’t apologize.

That only made you cry harder, water dripping from your chin as you muffled your cries with your palm. Tentatively, Feitan’s hand came to rest on your shoulder. When you didn’t brush it away, he kept it there.

It took you several minutes to regain your composure. During that time, his hand stayed firm—but not unkind—on your arm. The pressure was comforting, and when your cries reduced to mere sniffles, he pulled the blanket back over you, moving his hand from your arm in a silent gesture that you could hug him.

You hesitated, damp cheeks glistening in the faint moonlight slipping through the windows. He’d already done so much for you…

He sighed at the contemplation on your face. “It no bother. Me want to.” His hold was sturdy and sure, chest grounding under your cheek as he laid down with you. “You need to talk?”

Your eyelashes fluttered against his skin as you shook your head. “Not really.” After a beat of silence that threatened to allow your mind to wander, you bit your lip, snuggling a little closer. “But… could you?”

The silence you received in return almost made you tremble, embarrassment coursing through your body nearly as strongly as the adrenaline had.

But then he spoke. Melodious words flowed from his tongue, words foreign to your ear, but beautiful nonetheless. While chasing away your demons, he pacified his own, telling you the things he couldn’t find the words to say in English. In those whispered words, he poured more of his heart to you than he had to anyone ever before. As your breath fanned across his chest and his arms rested securely against your body, he told you everything he could think of, sounding much more eloquent to your ear than his own.

When it finally felt like his voice might go hoarse, he stopped, pulling you a little closer against him. He knew you weren’t asleep yet, but you were close enough that he hoped the silence wouldn’t bother you.

However, before you could succumb completely to your fatigue, you found the hand on his stomach, squeezing it gently in thanks. “Fei?” you mumbled. “What does that word mean?” You repeated if for him, feeling him tense slightly under your body. He’d used it so many times before, muttering it under his breath on missions with you. In his whispered ramblings, he’d repeated it over and over.

He could lie to you, but he wouldn’t. There was no way he’d jeopardize your trust like that.

Closing his eyes, he squeezed you a little tighter, willing you to understand all the words he had and hadn't said.

“Love. It translate to love.”


End file.
